Praise be to God, The Creator of the Universe, The Author of Love, My personal Savior who has paid for my sins. Thank You for Your grace and guidance. Let hearts of stone be turned to clay. Amen. At times in order to comprehend those things that we cannot fully understand or see, it is easiest to utilize a method of physical representation; to associate something unfamiliar with something familiar. Take from this what you may, make applications, assumptions, connections, seek out flaws, make corrections, throw it away, but my one and only plea to you is this: receive God’s words. Open your ears and press them to His heart. Understand His love that He has for you, obey His commandments, act on your convictions, and praise Him with all your might, For He is the one true God and is worthy of all our praise.
My spiritual journey is one of fluctuating undulation; one characterized by fervor, and falling away; attentiveness, and apathy; a rise and fall of commitment; and by temperatures hot and cold; lukewarm.
In your mind’s eye please imagine a mountain with snow-covered slopes. This mountain floats on a bed of clouds with nothing but blue sky surrounding it and the sunlight reflecting off the snow is almost blinding. From a distance this mountain seems old and unimportant, but if you were to look more closely, you might discover that upon this mountain, journeys are made. Journeys of peril and determination, helplessness and rescue; journeys of life and death. And it just so happens that on one particular nightfall, on this particular mountainside, my own journey began.
Night arrived and darkness shrouded the mountainside. As darkness descended, filling the cracks and crevices left abandoned by the setting sun, I found myself slipping ever so slightly down the slopes of this mountain. And so with darkness my own descent began. I complacently slid down the gradual slope unaware of the destruction that awaited me below. I enjoyed the thrill of danger, and sometimes doubted that the mountain held any meaning at all. As the night grew colder and the snow turned to ice my slow descent became rapid and I quickly began to plummet to my doom below. Wind rushed over razor sharp ridges and hollowed out caverns. There was no slowing down; there was no way off this mountain. I had chosen my path and as my body hurtled downward to its certain demise, fear gripped my heart.
Drugs and immorality, deceit and duality, fear and secrecy; this is what I came from, this is what I practiced. What little faith I professed was choked by a corrupt mind. What shallow relationship with God that I claimed to possess, leaked from a diseased heart. One life gradually became two. I concealed my faith in front of friends and hid my sins from my family. I chose death over life time and time again and I eventually, by God’s grace, reached a crisis.
Miraculously in the midst of my downhill demise, as if something supernatural had intervened, I came to a stop. In my path before me lay a gaping hole reaching down, deep into the depths of the mountain. I took a step closer and as I peered down into the darkness I caught a glimpse of the eternal pain and separation that was to befall me. Deep down, far below the mountain, searing flames shimmered white-hot in a roiling lake of fire. A gust of hot, rancid, air rushed upward from the mountain's belly and smacked my face like a giant belch. Terrified, I stumbled back and clung to the icy slope. I tried to clamor hopelessly upward but I discovered that my feet were bare and bleeding. My body was numb and my fingers were like icicles themselves; hollow and void of life. The wind scraped and cut at my body clenched on the side of this dreadful mountain, relentless in its attempt to whisk me from my perch. As my life clung perilously to the icy mountainside, I felt a weight tugging at my feet. Horror gripped my being as my eyes locked on a dozen black ropes tethered to my ankles. The snake-like ropes stretched far into the darkness below as if I were an upside down puppet. Frantically my frozen hands fumbled at the knots but the harder my fingers worked at loosening the ropes, the tighter their grip became.
As my frozen limbs clung to the mountainside, and the wind howled past me, the ropes became taught and then slowly but persistently began to drag me downward. I desperately fought to hold my ground with hands and feet bloodied by the ice. It was then that I heard them. Faint at first but then louder and more horrifying with each lost inch. From deep down beneath the mountain, beneath the darkness, somewhere at the end of those dreadful ropes, came the screams. Each was separate and distinct but resonated together with unspeakable pain and anguish. Every swell seemed to stab my spine with dread, desensitizing me to my doom. Exhaustion began to set in and my struggle began to come to a close. Despair deepened itself in my thoughts and the wind seemed to laugh in my face. I had been claimed by death and it was time to accept my defeat. I closed my eyes and cold blackness washed over me as I felt myself sinking steadily down into darkness toward the bottom of that wretched mountain. Thoughts of eternal suffering counted to infinity inside my head. Shrieks of pain hammered into my mind the realization that I was about to experience complete separation from God forever.
And then, like a final gift before death, I am able to think of my mother. Her smile, her warm hugs, her laugh. She stands alone in my empty room weeping silently, her tears streaming down my dust-covered Bible in her hands. She loves me how only a mother can love her child. And in my mind I understand that she knows. She knows I will never see her again…I will never see her again…I will never see her again… My eyes flutter open to find darkness all around me. Desperation grips me one last time and I call out to God with all my might, “Dear God please save me!”
Grace, mercy, love, divine intervention.
God reclaims his children just as the dawn reclaims the night.
To a second chance I have no right,
But because of God’s Son, crucified on a cross, I am a moth returned to light.
Rivers of healing water drown sin in a flood,
Thank you God for salvation through Christ’s blood.
Grace, mercy, love, divine intervention.
Sunlight rips through the night with the first glimmer of dawn. Darkness is left torn and frightened and cowers within itself deep below the mountain. The light reclaims each crevice and each crack in the name of golden victory. My darkened eyes burn from the sunlight and tears stream down my raw face. My muscles relax as the ropes loosen their grip and slither away into the depths of the mountain. Weakness floods my body and I feel myself slipping, letting go, falling. A sudden warmth, overwhelming and relieving in every way, envelopes my body and lifts me up, carrying me for what seems like only a moment before I drift into sleep.
. I awaken to the sun's warmth on my face and songbirds chirping in my ears. I keep my eyes shut and breathe in the sweet smelling air. Then I inhale deeply, filling my lungs. A smile cracks my lips as I open my eyes and find that I am lying in a meadow. The grass tickles my neck and the pleasant buzz of insects adds to the sense of life resonating from perfect creation. Once again on my feet I search my surroundings and spot the peak of a mountain just over the treeline at the edge of the meadow. Memories pile back into my mind along with the realization that I am wearing clothes. And shoes. Mystified, I jam my hands into my pockets. In my left pocket my fingers clasp a folded piece of paper. Shakily I withdraw the paper and as I slowly unfold each crease, I feel empowered, as if my destiny is unfolding before my eyes. I begin to understand that this is not the end of something terrible but rather the beginning of something grand. I breathe deeply and will my scarred hands to steadiness as I read the simple note inside: "Hide me in your heart, but don’t keep me a secret. I am waiting at the top.”
I no longer write my story. My final chapter has been written and redacted, stopped short before a destructive resolution. God now holds my pen and has begun to author a new chapter in my life titled "Love." I am experiencing joy and freedom in an unthinkable way. I understand that today's actions affect tomorrow. I have discovered gifts and talents that have been suppressed or misused and continue to seek God's guidance in my life which I resolve to live for His honor and His glory. As I take part in this romance God continues to heal my wounds, though I am left with scars to speak of His grace and power. He leaves them behind to remind me that pride comes before a fall, that a life of folly leads to strife, that disobedience leads to death, that there is no way to heaven except through Jesus Christ and that He loves me. I am a sinner but my sins have been purchased. All that is left to do is to pass God's love on from me, to you. Because you are God's wonderful creation that he longs for, that He has created for a purpose. You are called to be a child of God. So be who you are called to be.
December 10th 2013
It's about 6:45am. I'm sitting on a rooftop in Kathmandu, Nepal and the Himalayas are stretched out in front of me. I'm reminded of how two years ago, almost to the date, God brought me back to life in Him. I remember I had made the decision in my mind that I was going to live my life without my parents' God. I didn't plan on going to church when I had my own family. I planned on putting my trust in money and education because I didn't believe God even existed.
Thank you God for the plans you have for my life and for bringing me here. Thank you that you are always with me. Give me compassion for these people. Give me the words to say. Amen.
February 25th, 2014 (Today)
I've spent the past sixish months with a global missions organization called Youth With A Mission (YWAM). I was part of a Discipleship Training School in Honolulu where I was basically trained to be a missionary. There were two phases, a lecture phase in where we do a lot of studying, and then an outreach phase where we put what we've learned to practice. I went to Nepal with eleven other students.
The capital of Nepal is Kathmandu which is where we flew into and stayed for the first month. We stayed with our contact, Rajendra, and his family. We spent the first week preaching at his church. We all gave messages. It became very clear to me within the first few days that these people that we were preaching to didn't need to hear anything we had to say. They were the epitome of a Christian body. They should've been preaching to us. We were just a bunch of kids who barely knew where to find Genesis in our Bibles. But somehow God was able to use us. That first week was a powerful time of fellowship and healing for many people.
There's something about someone who has given up everything to follow Christ. In Nepal, almost everyone is Hindu. So if you become a Christian, you'll inevitably be kicked out of your family. Shunned is the word I think. So to be in the presence of 30 or so believers who you know have been ridiculed, abused, laughed at, and exiled...is a little humbling. I live in a nation that is Christian. Something like 80% of Americans profess Christianity. I've had to sacrifice nothing to be a believer. I guess it's just an eye-opening experience.
We spent the rest of our month in Kathmandu doing prayer walks, handing out Bibles, preaching at brick factories, participating in local church functions and house fellowships, and the guys played soccer.
When you spend an extended period of time in a "Third World" country you begin to start a list. A list of food you will eat when you get back to the States or wherever it is you will "get back to." Most of the food is junk. But there's something about eating rice nearly every day for each meal for three months that does something to you.
One thing it does to you is make you sick. For the entire month of December at least one of our team members was sick everyday. I can personally take credit for expelling food out of my mouth onto another team mate. It had a nice misting effect. All in all, we were very blessed with the food we had. We always had three meals a day and never had to eat any outlandishly crazy foods.
Our second month was spent in West Nepal. We stayed in many different places during our second month. But one consistency was walking. Every day we would walk. We sang songs, did skits, preached, prayed for people. We went to schools, houses, villages, streets, churches, temples. One week we bought medicine and went with dentists to a remote village and held a dental clinic. Several of us got to pull teeth. The medicine was heavy, the hiking was all uphill, the places we stayed were uncomfortable, the experience was priceless. I know for a fact that during that week people's lives were impacted. Mine was too.
I've graduated and said goodbye to most of my new friends. I fly home in a few hours. I'm excited to see family and old friends. I look forward to sharing more with you personally if you wish. There's so much to tell. Once again thank you for your support. I'm excited for what God does next in my life and those around me. This isn't the end, it's another beginning. Oh, I apologize for zero pictures. Two iphones with the majority of our outreach photos were stolen in an airport in Bangkok. I know some others took some so maybe soon I'll be able to post some. Thanks!
